literature

Just another ordinary day, yeah right part2

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Literature Text

  I bend down, take aim, and fire just missing one of the goons that fallowed Crones in this fight.. "Shit! This thing you girls are after must be worth all this, right!" I yell out not sure if any of the girls are even listening or if my voice is being muffled by all the gunfire. The “S.W.A.T.” girls continue to do what I guess they do best, work as a team, moving from tree to tree shooting, blasting their way closer to Cronose and his men. "What are you doing? Shouldn't we be going the other way?!" I reluctantly follow almost getting blasted, I doge, it nicks my left shoulder. "Shit, that was close…" Rubbing my shoulder I notice the blast tore my jacket,  “to close.”this is my favorite jacket damit.

 Icicles hits a soldier square on his forehead, but is hit herself by another soldier up a tree. "Sarah! Are you ok?!" I yell out feeling both concerned and worried that we would be one man down, but what I saw made me say never mind. She was knocked back, did a back tuck-roll and got right back up diving behind a tree with Red running to her.  When she was hit I noticed a bluish glow around her. “Right, those suits must have some kind of force-field.” I need me one of those.
 
 I start shooting up at this guy in the tree finally hitting him in his neck causing him to fall hitting the ground hard. As my eyes follow him falling I see one big, tall, huge man in the background staring at me.  Oh crap, don’t tell me this is that Cronose character.  He is wearing what looks like one of those Mass effect armor space suits, the upgraded version.   nothing but the best for the elite I guess.
He gives me a sly looking grin, “Looks like you girls made a new friend. Here, let me introduce myself!” he says sounding a little European, then raises his right arm that had this enormous thing strapped on and starts blasting at me. “Oh crap!” I duck for cover, the blast make mincemeat out of a young tree and put holes in an older one. “Doesn’t look good for us ladies! What now?” I start firing back at him and his men, making my way behind a concrete and stone bench; it seems two of his goons never leave his side. great, he has his own personal body guards too. I hate this guy already.
 
 “Just keep firing! We just need to hold them back for a while.” Red finally answers me after making sure Icicles was ok and then continued her rain of fire blasting another goon. Icicles made her way to me. “You’re hit. Are you ok?” She asks me with concern in her voice.
 
 “I had worse. How about you? I saw you get hit.” I answer trying not to stare at her butt as she squatted down to cover the left side. stay focused man
“I’ll live thanks to the suit.”
I quickly ask “So how about opening another one of those portals so we can get out of  here?”
 “Reds portal opener needs to charge, we used it to much this past hour.”
“Oh, I see, so we’re stuck here then.” crap
Red yells at us, “You to love birds going to stop chatting and start shooting or do I have to shoot you myself?!” almost making me jump, which would have gotten me hit with all the shooting going on.
  I begin firing back at the goons and howl back to Red. “Sorry princess Red!”  I also hit a guy that was getting a little too close. “Yes. You see, I got one!” I scream back at Red. She answers with hitting to more guys. hell, how many are they
“We keeping track now huh. Well I have six to your two.” She says with a grin that almost looked like the one Cronose gave me. this people are crazy, just glad she’s on my side
“We can’t keep this up much longer. Our blasters are going to overheat.” Icicles shouts to Red.

 “And I’m going to run out of bullets soon, very soon.” The goons that seem like a small army just kept getting closer no matter how many we shot down. Then it happened…I ran out of ammo. “I’m out!”  I scream.
 “I only have a minute, maybe two worth of blast.” Icicles says looking a little worried, Red looked like she was talking to herself, maybe cursing out loud.
“Ah shit, not here too.” I saw Red drop her weapon like it was too hot to hold. she’s out too then. We are so dead. I look at Icicles and say. “I’ve been meaning to tell you, I like your hair.” I smile at her, “It was nice knowing you, and thanks again for saving my butt earlier.” She gave me a confused look, and then I make a brake for it. I leap over the bench and start running toward the goons.  
“Wait, Come-back!” Sarah screams as she uses the last blasters she has to cover my dumbass.
Finally decided to finish up this part, been so busy and a little lazy. :P
© 2012 - 2024 JediJoshus007
Comments6
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rikkilee-robertson's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

Pros: Damn man! As good as ever. I don't think I'll be able to make the critiques if you keep doing so damn well. Tension, suspense, futuristic sci-fi kinda thing. How the hell are you so damn good? Seriously. Man you got some good talent.

Cons: As much as I hate pointing out the bad stuff, I saw a lot of Grammatical and punctuation errors. You seem to get your to's, too's and two's mixed up. I saw several parts where you should have used too, I saw one part where you should have used two.

Also, when going from speech or sentence to thought. Wherever you have the full stop prior to the thought use a capital letter (one of the most basic things, yet seems to be one of the most common spelling mistakes.) Also I spotted a few thoughts where you forgot the full stop.

Ooh! The part everybody loves my rating! xD

Creativity: 5/5
Story-line: 4/5
Characters: 5/5
Originality: 4/5
AWESOMENESS!! 10/10

Over all: 28/30

Well huzzah! You got two perfect scores (since awesomeness is just a random factor I added.) It's hard to get an almost perfect score from me, as you've seen. But as always well done.

I have a proposition for you. You know how I said you should use a word document or find a proof-reader, well if you want, I can be your proof-reader. Take it into consideration, I don't offer to be a proof-reader to people a lot. Actually, this is the second time.