Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
     Damit Josh, what the frack are you doing? I think to myself as I doge trying my best not to get hit by on coming gun-fire and plasma blast. Doing that which I am trained to do, kill the enemy. “I’m up, he sees me, I’m down.” Almost there, damn I hope I’m right or my ass is as good as gone. I see my target and dive in; almost landing on the guy I shot down from the tree  earlier. I look him over as I catch my breath. Yes! I knew I saw something big on this guy. It looked like and I hoped it was some space version of a hand-grenade. I take his blaster, just in time too, because the blast from Sarah had stopped.

  “You are one crazy human.” I hear from behind me, it’s Cronose. “You got some moves kid, but that blaster is not going to save you and your new girl-friends.”
That’s it keep talking while I try to figure this thing out, and I wish they were. This thing is as big as a brick and pretty heavy too.  “Aha by gorge I think I’ve got it.” Good thing too because the goons started shooting again.

   “Get that boy and bring him to me! I want to look him in the eye as I slice him open.” Cronose orders his men, sounding a little irritated, either because I haven’t died yet or because I was a human standing up to him and his men, and survived, for now at least. I take the blaster off the dead guys arm and hope I put it on mine the right-way. ok so I guess you squeeze since there isn’t a trigger. I shoot a practice blast. “Sweet; this is going to be fun.” I say to myself while I take aim and start blasting their way.

  “Die you space f@#kers!” I hit one and move my aim toward Cronose. That’s it, pay attention to the blast. I hold the brick sized grenade with my thighs, twist the top and toss it right at them never stopping my range of fire. It lands not five feet from them, and I wait, nothing happens. Shit it’s been three seconds. I must have did something wrong.
  “Ha you thought you could get that to work!” yells one of his men. I grin, take aim and blast at the thing. Cronose lost his smile in an instant when he realized what I was doing, started to back track but was too late. BOOM! the explosion was a lot more than I expected, sending a hot shock wave my way. I fall back but not before seeing Cronose get blasted back hard into a tree and some of his men’s’ body parts went flying everywhere. On the ground a limb lands next to me. “Oh shit that was some grenade, got to remember to ask the girls for one if we live through this.”  I take a peek and see Cronose get up from one knee. Man, what it takes to kill this guy. His armor was sparking. Great his armor isn’t working anymore, I think. I go to blast him when shots come from behind me. “Fuck!” I was being flanked from behind. Now what Josh?  I begin my own cover fire and take better ground. When I look back for Cronose he is aiming at me this time. “Crap.”

  “Nice try boy! You have nowhere to run to now kid!” He says before blasting at me. With nowhere to hide I begin to think about praying, and then I barely hear her voice.
  “Josh! We’re coming for you, hold on!” its Icicles and some blast come from her direction.
I might just live through this yet. I start blasting at the men heading for me. They’re getting to close so I make a brake for it toward Icicles and the others. Others?  I see at least three more blast then before, I also see Icicles, she is saying something but it is hard to hear with all the blasting. I was almost there when I read her lips saying “behind you”, but it was too late. I was hit in the back with a blaster, I fall face down and eat a little dirt. Lucky for me I put the dead guys’ armor on, I get back up and start to run again or at least try to; didn’t get much father before getting hit again, this time with a bullet. Before passing out I hear a scream.    “Nooooooooooo!” it sounded like Icicles, and then I hear another voice, a man’s voice yells out. “Leave him; we don’t have time we have to go. The portal will not last much longer.”
So this is how it ends. All hell.
I rushed a bit, wanted to end somewhere else then thought that maybe starting from there would be better. That's if he doesn't die. :P
Pros: I can see that your grammar and punctuation has gotten better, but I think I till saw at least one too, to and two mistake. It does get confusing and is a common mistake among a lot of writers. I like where you've taken the story, (and I keep saying I won't be able to critique you if you keep doing well xD) I really can't wait to see where it ends, if there is another story coming.

Cons: I can't find any cons. Which is a good thing. I really, really like the story as a whole.


Creativity: 5/5
Characters: 4/5
Story-line: 5/5
Originality: 5/5

Over all: 29/30

Over all comment: I find your style very interesting. I love reading your work. By far the best score I have given to anyone. Truly a good effort. ^^
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

No comments have been added yet.

Add a Comment:

:iconjedijoshus007: More from JediJoshus007

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
November 2, 2012
File Size
4.6 KB
Submitted with