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The guys are dumbfounded.
Crackle: "OK, so is everyone else thinking what I'm thinking," Says with a puzzled look.
Snap: "I highly doubt that but I am thinking we just been tricked to going into a damn john."   Sounding a little aggravated
Crackle: "At least it's not a port-a-potty." Grins
Pop&Snap: "Shut up!"
They exit the stall which didn't have a toilet and find they are indeed in a public rest-room.
Snap: "So you think we're in the magic realm or still in the building?"  Says while checking himself out in the mirror; Crackle gives him bunny ears that are quickly swatted away.
Pop: "There is only one way to find out." Takes a peek out the door and quickly shuts its. "Oh shit, damn Count Chocula. We are definitely in the magic realm."
Snap: "So I take it its bad. Where are we?" goes to take a look Pop stops him.
Pop: "We should go back the way we came," Says looking at the stall.
Crackle: "We can't, there isn't a door. It reads on the wall 'Say the magic words if you wish to leave.' Any of you know some magic words."
Pop: "Shit."  He clenches his fist.
Crackle: "Shit… Nope that's not it; would've been funny though." smirks
Pop: "This isn't a time for jokes. Just stay close, don't look at anyone in the eyes and for Petts sake don't utter a word. Hopefully they will all be too drunk to notice us."

Takes a deep breath, lets it out and opens the door. Outside was the smell of smoke and cheap booze. Laughter followed by coughs. Someone was playing the piano with what sounded like Toucan-Sam singing or at least trying to. As they made their way down the narrow hallway they could see Franken berry was the pianist and behind him was a poker game going on with others in the small bar not recognizable. "All in or what?"  They hear and see that it is Fred Flintstone and the gang. "Damn Damn!" Bamm-Bamm replied.
Fred: "Oh put that club away, you aren't scaring anybody," Says with a cigar in the corner of his mouth. Others at the table include; Barney, Dino, and Gazoo,
Barney: "Oh don't get him started Fred, you know how he is when he has too much to drink." He says not taking his eyes of his cards and finishes with his signature laugh.  "Ah-heehee-ah-heeheeeheehee…"
Fred: "Yeah yeah, speaking of drinks, Willlllmaaaaa! I need a refill here. And what is taking Chocula so long with that chocolate?" He holds up his empty beer glass.
Gazoo: "Oh hush up you dumb-dumb, she left an hour ago. And you dumb-dumbs know I won this game right." He shows a clever smirk.
Pop: "OK, so they are distracted, now's our chance to sneak outa here." He whispers to the others. Snap and Pop start walking then suddenly they freeze in shock at the sound of Crackle.

Crackle: "Hey barkeep, give me something sweet."
Snap gives himself a face-palm shaking his head and Pop just stands there clenching his fist looking like he's literally going to kill Crackle.
Barkeep: "Coming right up." He starts to make the drink then takes a good look at Crackle. "Hey aren't you one of those rice crispy elves?" sets the drink in front of him.
Crackle:  thinking oh, oh "Uh, no, no not me, I just came from a costume party." Grins and takes a sip and starts looking around nervously.  "Emm good thanks." Pop comes up behind him next to his right ear.
Pop: "What-the-hell are you doing?" Says as calm as possible, Crackle nearly jumps out of his seat.
Crackle: "Hey uhm just getting a drink, want one?" smiles fearfully.

Meanwhile at the poker table Gazoo wins again. "In your face dumb-dumbs, a 'Straight' in your face." Gazoo takes his winnings then glances up and says, "Speaking of dumb-dumbs." They all look at Gazoo's line of sight.
Fred: "What the…Hey what are you guys doing here?" gets up and starts or rather tries to walk over to the bar. Barney gets up to lend a hand. Franken berry stops playing; Toucan continues to sing till he's hit in the back of the head.
Pop: "You just had to stop and get a drink?" He says gritting his teeth.
Crackle: "What, I was thirsty." Grabs his glass and gulps it all down. "Ahhh." Slams the glass on the counter, looks around and ask "Hey where's Snap?"
Pop: "Just like him to run at the first sign of danger." Takes the 2nd huge rice crispy thingy out his pocket waiting for the right time to use it.
Bam Bam: "Finally I get to bust some heads." He grabs his club, Dino starts to growl and Gazoo signals the "shame on you" sign.

Crackle: "I hope you have a plan Pops." Says staring at the others get up. Just as Pop is about to do something someone breaks through the wall just behind the Flintstone gang.
"Ohhhhh yeahhhh!!!!"  it was the damn Kool-Aid man. Wall pieces hit the Flintstone gang on their back. Bamm-Bamm turns to see Kool-Aid man.
Kool-Aid:"Oh nooo!" he shouts as Bamm-bamm swings his club at him cracking him a little. Kool-Aid man swats Bamm-bamm sending him flying into the piano. Bartender cry's out "Bar f-i-i-i-i-ght!" grabs a bat hops over the counter ready to hit Pops on the back of the head when Crackle cracks barman in the head first with his glass knocking him out. Pop turns just as barman hits the floor.
Crackle: "What no thank you, again?"
Pop: "Fine whatever, thank you, now let's get the hell outta here. Close your eyes." Pop throws up his crispy thingy over the brawl and a blinding white flash fills up the room by like a thousand.
They run outside to find Snap yet again waiting for them.
Snap: "I say again, what took you so long? Smirk "So did you like my little distraction."
Crackle: "You sent Kool-Aid man through the wall." He says wide eyed.
Snap: "I just told his drunken ass that there were a bunch of drunken hot stripper chicks inside."
Pop: "Nice, let's move before they can see again." He runs to the left corner.
Snap: "What? See again, you through one of your poppers again didn't you, ha."
Around the corner they find a motor cycle gang, at closer look, it turns out to be the 7 dwarfs and Trix rabbit. Trix is trying to sell some trix-smack to the dwarfs.
Trix: "So you gonna buy this or what? I have a photo shoot in the morning." He says while holding out a bag of goodies, he is wearing one of his bad costumes trying not to be noticed.
Back inside Count Chocula walks in holding the box of chocolate. "I've got chocola...vwhat the hell happened here?" He says with a shocked look as he sees the destruction. "Kool-Aid man?!" Drops the box and turns back to run back the way he came as Kool-Aid man comes barreling towards him.
OK, so the beginning of the Magic realm. Off to a good start I think. ;P :iconfredflintstoneplz:
Pros: Not bad, not bad at all. What I like about your style, is how you get everything possible to mix. Especially the addition of the Flintstones.

Cons: It's clenched not clinched, also staring not starring. Some grammatical errors word won't pick up but that's what a critique is for right? To find the good and bad.


Creativity: 4/5
Story-line: 4/5
Originality: 4/5
Characters: 4/5

Over all: 26/30

Over all comment: What's there to say? Other than once again a good job. I love reading your work and I love it even more when I get to critique it.
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Submitted on
November 17, 2012
File Size
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